Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We left the knife in your bed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
