This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
