Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
