To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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