A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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