i wish my penis had a tongue
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
