She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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