there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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