The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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