Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
do herpes really smell.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
