The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
