There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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