I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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