haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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