I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
