are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
