remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
