I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
