You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?