My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
