he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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