I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
