So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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