I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I love you. Go after that dick
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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