Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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