I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
