Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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