you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
