Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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