I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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