if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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