In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
