life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
