Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were trust falling into bushes
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
