Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
