So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
