anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
