If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
