I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
