Need sex. Gaining weight.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
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Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
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No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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