I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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