guess who came home with a hottie last night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.