she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
