you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
