Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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