i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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