i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
