you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
