I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
