i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
