He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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