Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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