OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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