its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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