I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
