He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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