i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
