I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
